Self-check?

Hola! Happy New Year.

2020 was a very eventful and long year but we get another chance to do this life thing again and keep trying. I noticed something different about this new year, there weren’t a lot of resolutions or “new year, new me” chatter. Most people seem to have waltzed into 2021, I mean with how brutal the last year was — our motto was we move! And that is exactly what many of us did, taking our lessons and hopes with us while praying for a kinder year.

But the thing about moving is; it’s easy to be on a roll without stopping to reflect on the past, or on patterns and actions we took to get to where we are. It’s always easy to take Ls without really considering that we might have played a part in things going south. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the corona virus pandemic, #EndSARS or other stuff we had to deal with that we had no control over, I’m talking about deliberate actions we took that adversely affected our lives or the people in our lives. I’m talking about starring in someone else’s movie as the bad guy.

You’re probably thinking No, definitely not. I have been great, I have been a good friend, I have been a helpful colleague — Yes, yes you have, but there are times when you haven’t. There were times where you were at the other end of the table dishing out sass and possibly trauma.

How did you handle that? did you handle it?

We spend a lot of time labelling others selfish and unreasonable, but have you ever wondered what you might have done to trigger their reaction that you now label toxic? In an argument or disagreement, are you that person that needs to be right or are you able to navigate difficult conversations without being offensive and defensive? I’m often guilty of the latter, constantly seeing the need to justify and clarify whatever point I’m making in the moment without really listening to what the other person is saying. Obviously, that never ends well and when it becomes a pattern, it becomes toxic.

Toxic1 — A poison

Toxic2– A relationship that is very bad for your mental health.

As humans and social beings, our actions have direct and indirect consequences. Over time, we impact the people we meet; with how we relate with them, our habits and our demeanor. Likewise, we are impacted by others. As much as we strive to attain peace of mind and satisfaction in this life, we must also realize that reflection is very important in our daily dealings. When things go wrong, it is unfair to continuously blame external factors without ever looking inwards to see if there was something we could have done or said to make things better. The same way we hold others accountable for their actions, we need to be able to recognize when we have been the antagonist in the story, reflect and be intentional about doing better. (Ps: This doesn’t mean blaming yourself all the time when bad things happen)

To reflect — to think deeply or carefully about something.

John Dewey states that we do not learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience. This is absolutely right because reflecting is more than just brooding over an issue. It involves asking yourself intense questions about an event and being brutally honest with your answers, if you really intend to work on yourself to avoid a repetition. Questions like

What really happened?

What did this experience show me? About myself? About the other person?

If I went through this experience again, what would I do differently?

What should I try to avoid so it doesn’t happen again? What do I need to work on as a person?

How has this affected the way I act and react going forward?

It may not be easy to always take out time to reflect but it is important if you are working on handling conflicts better or becoming a better person overall. Reflection deepens understanding and gives you a clearer picture thereby broadening your perspective. So next time you find yourself in a bad place with your lover, friends or even a stranger, don’t be quick to crucify the other person. Remember that the table has two sides and you owe it to yourself to act better having learnt from past experiences.

Here’s to a kinder 2021 and here’s to making better choices and being better. Cheers!