And so we all get to fail at something
Failure
/ˈfeɪljə/
Noun
A word/state no one wants to be associated with, a necessary disappointment.
For a term that screams negativity, isn’t it crazy that we all have to fail at some point in our journey doing this life thing? To be honest, I truly feel I’ve failed my readers and myself by not being consistent with putting out pieces, but I have the perfect excuse, and that is, life happens. (ps: I’m really sorry) and I’m grateful to everyone who sent me a DM to say, “Hey, when you’re ready, we’re here.” (cc: Ore, Tobi, FaithYeezor,Paul…).
Over the past two years, I went tête-à-tête with failure and got my ass properly kicked. Growing up, I was a bright kid. I looked forward to speech and prize-giving days because I was sure I’d be bagging gifts and smiling ear to ear when my name was called. At some point, this became my personality, and I completely based my self-esteem on how well I did on a test or what position I ended up taking out of the whole class. I didn’t have a problem putting in the effort to study, I already loved to read and write, so it was relatively easy to ace a test now that I think of it. However, anchoring your happiness and self-worth on a score, a job, or anything that requires a response from an external party is a risky and pretty unwise thing to do. Recalling a conversation I once had with a friend, she said “ you cannot place your value on a thing so fickle, like an A” and honestly, I didn’t take it seriously at the time.
Fast forward to 2021, I failed for the first time. I didn’t meet the cut-off mark for a couple of papers, and it completely broke me. Between the extreme anxiety (exam fever, characterized by a running stomach and literal jitters) or the look on the examiner’s face when she broke the news, I’m not sure which was worse. I had put in the work — late nights studying, writing, and rewriting applications but it just didn’t work out. What I got instead were multiple rejection emails. It sucked! This experience affected how I saw myself and my outlook on life. I found myself staying up at night wondering if I’d eventually get through it or if I should just give up on the goal entirely. I became terrified of leaving my comfort zone or taking on new tasks that I would’ve ordinarily been excited about. My coping mechanism was finding other people who had experienced the same thing; you know how when we were kids, if your friend failed too, you were fine? Yeah, that. It also works for adults but it has consequences. While this seemed great at first, I didn’t like how needy I became, wanting constant reassurance from those around me. The feeling of not being enough can creep up on you when you go through things like this and it’s normal to question everything you believed in but the worst part is life can still get really difficult. Heck, life is difficult every day for the average Nigerian, so how does one even escape it?
It can be painful to not succeed at the things you set out to do, to not get that job you are absolutely qualified for, to not get that certification you badly need, but as cliché, as this may sound, it isn’t the end of the world, and though you may want to question your worth and skills, I promise you, you’re good for it. The fact that you put in the work and gave it your best shot is a win in itself.
“It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.” — JK Rowling
I stalled on posting this for the longest time because I wanted to come back to the writing scene with a bang. Well, my big bang was another rejection email :) (life comes at you fast) but I’m determined to keep living, for the imperfect pieces I’ll write and the thoroughly researched and proofread ones, for the losses and lessons as much as the wins. If you’re ever sad and need to let it all out, here’s my sad song playlist. Listen to music if it helps, allow yourself to feel (sad, angry, hurt, burnt out… ), then pull yourself together and keep going, after all, we all have to fail at something but then, we move, right?
Thank you for reading, and if you’re currently going through something, I’m sending you e-hugs and my other post on getting over stuff “doing it afraid”.
Until next time.
